Beauty of life · Inner calm · Live life · Mindfulness

Elize About Life // 10 years with this nutter today. I can’t believe it.

A lot has happened in 10 years. We faced many challenges but we got through them and we are stronger than before. You drive me crazy sometimes (just because you like to see my fiery side 🙅🏻‍♀️)

I love how we debate over whose turn it is to say grace at dinner or who is buying coffee in the morning at the train station.

Sometimes I can only roll my eyes 🙄 at the things you say (I am serious when I say I will be starting a book called “According to Chris”) but nothing goes without plenty of belly laughs and giggles.

You are a tough cookie but one that I needed to enter my life 10 years ago, because let’s face it, not everyone has the stomach to deal with the woman I used to be (you have definitely earned your smarties there 🏆)

Thanks for my hug every morning and the gentle rub of my back (just because you know if you are not gentle I may spit fire 🔥 #notamorningperson)

Thanks for pushing me out of my comfort zone when we were saving for our first house (yes ok, there I said it)

Thanks for 10 years of being in my life and sticking around despite all the hurdles, pain, dissapointments, hurt and my downright stubbornness. Neither of us are perfect and make our mistakes, but my life with you is as close to perfect as it possibly can be.

Love you 😘

Ps. I think because I wrote such a nice post you can buy the coffee again tomorrow morning 😇

Comfort zone · Mindfulness · Personal development

Elize About Life // What are you waiting for?

I sometimes feel that life threw me one heck of a curveball this past year. I really wasn’t ready for it but still I went and did it. I trusted myself to step entirely out of my comfort zone and stop waiting for things to come to me and instead start taking control of my life’s situation. Believe me, now is as good a time as any. Waiting doesn’t bring you anything but make your visions and dreams drift further and further away.

What are you waiting for?…

Confidence · Inferior · Mindfulness · Self esteem · Toxic people

Elize About Life // Removing toxic people from your life

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter if someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or new acquaintance – you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It is one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.

Danielle Koepke

Only a year ago I learned this valuable life lesson. I have eliminated toxic people from my life before, but on this occasion I was “blind” to just how many toxic people were really in my life.

Many times our perception of toxic people are wildly misinterpreted. We think that they must have terrible personalities, treat us like crap and be the types of people we dread to be around. I thought I knew what these types of people were until I had to learn the very hard way…

Let me explain. In August 2014 I started a brand new job. The place was lovely. My bosses were lovely. I was treated so well and was made to feel “extra special” It was my “dream job” Of course with my bosses being so nice to me I was eager to do more and be more. They loved that about me. So they accepted more from what I was giving. I liked my bosses, I liked the team I was managing, I loved my work environment, I enjoyed the clients!

But, after only 6 months of working there my mental health started deteriorating…

I was becoming increasingly obsessed with my job and wanted to make and maintain a good impression. I had inferiority issues but didn’t see it at the time. I wanted to be the best, do the best, show that I can do a lot. My boss would sometimes say “don’t worry so much, just do what you can” But what he really said is “keep working like that” I felt that I was competing with some staff that did not carry the worth I had in this company. So I tried to be the bigger person yet at the same time I felt so small.

In early 2015 I was feeling really low. I have lost a great deal of weight at this point. I wasn’t eating very well, but I told myself that I looked and felt great, that I had no stress and was surrounded by caring and supportive work colleagues and bosses. Yet, I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. I called a meeting with my boss and I told him that I feel too emotionally involved with their business and that I need to take a few steps back. I was actually very overwhelmed with all my work too, but I still took more and more onboard, I mean, I have already set those expectations. He (pretended) to be understanding but I didn’t feel that it was a fruitful meeting.

Needless to say, things went downhill from there…

Fast forward almost 2 years, I now sit on my sofa, typing this blog post, knowing that where I found myself for those two years were anything but good for me.

I was depressed and deeply unhappy

My marriage suffered

My friendships started feeling it

And it didn’t take long for my relationship with my work colleagues to suffer

I wasn’t myself, my relationship with God was almost non-existent

I said and thought about things that wasn’t me

I developed feelings that I didn’t understand and angrily tried to make sense of…

So I decided to invest in life coaching and cognitive behavioural therapy, especially since I believed that I was the bad person and that I needed to change (for a really long time I believed this!) “No-one else was to blame” I kept on telling myself. I allowed others to me believe this about myself.

I spent every waking moment to “better” myself

And although therapy helped me a great deal at the time, I knew that I had to leave and get away from a small group of people that brought out a really horrible and unpleasant side to me.

For a while after I left,  I would still blame myself for a lot of things, until 3 respective long time clients of mine, of which 2 didn’t know about my turmoils in that work place, all said the same thing to me “I didn’t like it there, something didn’t feel right”

But, somehow I thought that despite everything, it was a lovely place to work in

But then somewhere in the months to follow I had some genuine realisations about the people I was surrounded by. And of course they will never see it this way, although I could see that it all turned me into a toxic person too.

TOXIC PEOPLE ARE GREAT MANIPULATORS

They aren’t always the bitches and arseholes on the surface. Don’t get me wrong, toxic people can be very charming. But only if they can get something from it. If you’re useful to them, they will be lovely and in my case, flattering. Their attention to you can seem overwhelming and they may even make you feel like you are at the centre of their focus. But it’s all a show.
The clearest way to get a sense of someone’s real character is to watch how they treat and speak to others, as well as how they speak about others, especially those people who aren’t useful to them.

If you want to find out whether someone is toxic, just observe their relationships with people in their lives and also those who has no use to them. Just watch if they are as polite, nice, charming or flattering as they are with you. It’s a good way to discover how they may one day treat you when you cease to be useful to them! In my case I didn’t see it coming and when I was no longer useful, I was literally thrown to the dogs.

THEY LOVE TURNING AROUND THE TRUTH

In my situation, these toxic people thrived on turning situations around by manipulating my feelings, thoughts and opinions to make it sound like it was their own. At this stage I was still oblivious that I needed to get the hell out of there. And since I was no longer useful to them, they were determined to find fault in me, making me feel useless, worthless and small.

TOXIC PEOPLE FIND STRENGTH IN DESTABILISING OTHERS

They love attention and drama. They will also happily lie when they have to. They are so adept to manipulate a situation to their advantage. They never seem to give you a straight answer and changes the subject when you ask for something. They like to make the most simplest of circumstances over complicated.

THEY DON’T AND WON’T LET GO

Toxic people thrive on negativity and drama. It’s like a drug to them. They always complain about their misfortunes but deep down they love the attention they get from it.

Bad situations and people happens to all of us, and when they do happen we will go though the usual emotions of  anger, pain, hurt, blame, grief, questions. And then we move on to more positive things. But a truly toxic person will not move past these things. And they will litterally suck all your positive energy out of you, so beware!

TOXIC PEOPLE ARE VERY SELFISH

They are usually so busy thinking about themselves and their wants and needs, that they will not consider how that makes people around them feel. They often times have little or no regard for your feelings and rarely stop talking about themselves. In the work place they have high expectations of their staff and they will manipulate situations to suit their preferences. They are also big on handing out criticism but hates receiving it themselves.

TOXIC PEOPLE ARE CONTROL FREAKS

Recently I appealed against someone’s controlling behaviour towards me in the hope that their better nature will come to surface and they will make a change.  But it didn’t go down well. They were not prepared to change their ways. These types of people’s ego’s usually get crushed when they have to deal with someone who has an opinion and a brain. They don’t like people that doesn’t like to be held down under their thumb and challenge their behaviour. With these types of people it is best to minimise exposure to them (which in my case I did) and part ways as soon as you can (so voila, they are no longer in my life!)

THEY ALWAYS THINK THEY ARE RIGHT

If you ever cross, question or doubt a toxic person, be prepared that they will put up a fight. They are competitive and will make it their goal to prove that they are right, fabricating the truth if necessary and misdirect people and situations.

The list is endless when it comes to toxic people, but these are the most common toxic people I have crossed paths with in my life.

Sometimes we keep them in our lives because we are loyal to them or they brainwashed us into believing that they are important to us and we to them. And you may even have developed deep rooted feelings for them because they made you believe that they care about you. Believe me, they are bad for you and my advice is to kick them out of your life when you see any of the above traits. And run for dear life. They are pure poison.

Take care of yourself because they won’t!

~ Elize Endhart ~

Beauty of life · Live life · Mindfulness · Personal development

Elize About Life // It’s OK to be happy where you are


“Ever feel like there’s too much pressure to be, do, show up, get ahead? But for what, for who, and where’s the hurry coming from? I’m tired of seeing women burn out trying to ‘make it’, trying to compete and stay ahead, and feeling they aren’t doing enough for their partners, their families, their careers” ~ Natalie Edwards

Over the past 6 weeks I have encountered many hurdles, objections, tears, hurt, happiness, upbeat moments and excitement. My emotions were fluctuating while I was trying to understand these new worlds I am entering. I went from a full time, well paid job to going back to being a therapist as a beauty temp, doing my mobile work and navigating a network marketing business, all the while trying to pay attention to my writing. Needless to say, I became overwhelmed and started hating everything I was doing.

I had a very interesting conversation with someone the other day about this exact topic – the fact that we are so conditioned to show up to a job every day, work hard to be successful, achieve more, make more money, desperate for some time off to live a little, but yet we are busy busy busy…

I am incredibly guilty of wanting to be on the move all the time.  I have things to do, a future to plan for, plan for our future kids, plan to be financially stable in future. To a certain extent, yes, we must be prepared for the future and I am a great believer of it. But perhaps, while we scurry like mice through our days collecting things for our “winters”, what happened to just being happy with where we are now?

I often times feel a little overwhelmed by my huge to do list. Often times I have that need to just finish everything, put my feet up and not do anything. Then again, where is the fun in having nothing left to work towards?

This is why it’s so important to live in the moment that you are now, because that is where life’s little pleasures and special moments really lies. Those little happy moments, that spending time with your partner and kids, baking a cake or watching rubbish TV. We are so determined to just make it to our future that we will work our life away before we get a chance to enjoy it.

I love this paragraph from Natalie Edwards:

“…can you drop into trusting right now that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be? There’s nothing to do, no one to impress, nowhere to go. This journey that you might have been fooled into thinking that you can completely control, is most certainly something that you can’t. It’s about you, no one else, and your job here is to be yourself, take good care of yourself, and fall more deeply in love with the present reality that you have bravely created.”

Perhaps you are reading this and thinking that you aren’t quite in the position to live your life this way, but maybe, just maybe, today is a good day to start. As cheesy it may sound, live for the moment, be happy with where you are right now. Tomorrow gives us a new day with new challenges and hurdles, but still we can be happy to be in the moment of the beautiful things that are set out in our lives, plan for our future yes, but enjoy the moments that will pass.

~ Elize ~

Confidence · Inferior · Mental illness · Mindfulness · Overwhelmed · Personal development · Self esteem

Elize About Life // Insignificant me


…there was a time in my life when I kept myself small just to keep everyone happy and comfortable around me…

On a quiet Sunday morning these words echoed through my kitchen as I was listening to a coaching video from a lady called Carla Hill.

“Keeping myself small”…

I knew EXACTLY what she meant.

Once upon a time that was me. And it took me some time to figure out that this was one of the biggest causes of my unhappiness for almost 33 years of my life.

In March of 2016 I had Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) alongside a life coaching course I was busy with. Up until this point in my life I thought that I understood so many things about myself, but CBT really challenged me to find the underlying issues that had a negative impact on me as a person.

One of the things I came to realise is that I was always ready to keep everyone around me happy and comfortable, would it be my husband, friends, family, colleagues. No matter what, I would put their wants and needs before my own. To me, I was never a priority. I was always tired, overworked and overwhelmed, but still I won’t stop going out of my way for others. I never liked to put myself as a priority because everyone else around me mattered more. 

Or so I told myself…

It took me a long time to figure out the different personality traits that makes people with big hearts keep themselves small for others, so I have made up a list of these traits to continue recognising the issues that took rise over the years.

1. The People pleaser

The biggest traits of someone keeping themselves small for others is being a people pleaser. 

  • A People Pleaser is a person who believes that they are less than most others on the planet and have the need to hide these beliefs from all whom they come in contact with. They feel so low that they typically behave like a doormat and frequently put themselves in situations where they are treated as such. 
  • A people pleaser will do almost anything to keep others in the dark about what is going on within.
  • Dishonesty, deception and lies are the primary tools used by a People Pleaser. Within the context of an intimate relationship, a People Pleaser will frequently paint illusions that depict what they believe their partner wants to see all the while never disclosing who and what they really are. People Pleaser’s also have the tendency to frustrate their partner to no end with this insidious behavior. 
  • A People Pleaser’s goal is always the same which is to keep anyone from knowing just how crappy they feel about themselves and they will strive for this goal at any cost. 
  • A person afflicted with this “disease to please” will typically tell more lies over the course of a lifetime than those with other mental illnesses. (This is usually to make themselves look good or give that impression)
  • People Pleaser’s can come in the form of men but are typically women as they are more emotionally based.

Source: Urban dictionary

2. Low self esteem

In sociology and psychology, self-esteem reflects a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self.  Definition Source Wikipedia

You may think that you have all the confidence in the world. Sure you do! But, there is a huge difference between self confidence (which is external) and self esteem (which is internal)

One of the reasons I started CBT was because of low self esteem. It really mattered to me that people liked me, approve of me and appreciate me. I also needed to be reminded all the time of how great I am as I couldn’t tell myself this – I didn’t exactly think very highly of myself. When someone has low self esteem they never really show their true personality because they always want to show the best of what they have. They tend to adapt themselves to situations and people just to fit in. In other words, they do keep themselves small but do try very hard to get noticed and liked, but in as subtle of ways as possible. It turns into a vicious circle as to when this person’s true personality does come to the rise, the opposite parties does not like what they see or have to deal with.

3. Fear of confrontation

Just mentioning the word to a lot of people make them break out in a sweat. Often times this fear comes from the concern that confrontation has to be ugly, but often times it is down to us not knowing how to successfully challenge someone else as for their opinion or behaviour.

It often times comes back to point number 2 about self esteem: “if I confront someone they won’t like me anymore” or “if I confront someone they will stay angry at me” This often times stems from someone with low self esteem as all they want is to be liked and not be frowned upon.

4. The control freak

Often times people who keep themselves small for others tends to take control over things in their lives to someohow fill that need to be big. This is usually because something in their life or within themselves feels out of control. They have a tendency to take control of anything and everything that can be controlled in their life. This often times leads to overwhelm, exhaustion and disgruntled feelings towards the opposite parties for not appreciating everything they do for them.

From my own experience, this isn’t a healthy personality trait. For 2 years in my previous job, I made exactly this mistake. I wanted to control everything, make my mark, make an impression. I never asked for help either – I was too stubborn. It lead to me feeling resentful and angry towards my bosses but at the same time I wanted to take on more responsibilities to “feel and look important”

One can continue to hold this facade for many many years, but like in my case, it came to bite me in the arse – now looking back – at just the right time in my life, it was possibly the biggest eye opener of it all.

5. The fear of being seen as weak

No-body likes to be seen as a pushover. I sure don’t like to be seen as one! For a very long time however, I would zip my lips and put my head down, just not to speak up for myself, my wants and needs, at the same time feeling angry for not being able to show that I don’t put up for anyone’s nonsense. 

I have learned that keeping oneself small for others is often times a weakness in itself. It can be changed but it has to be a conscious decision and most certainly not something that can be implemented overnight – the people in your life will not respond well to it. This is a change that has to be gradual, baby steps. After a year and a half I am still making changes to this.

6. Fear of being rejected

In early 2016 I came to breaking point. I made the mistake to ask to be a priority for a change. And it wasn’t received well.

This has happened to me more than once. When you run around looking after everyone, you never forget about your wants and needs. They are there too. You also want to be looked after, cared for, pampered and made to feel comfortable and happy. But you feel guilty for even asking because of fear of being rejected. And when you pluck up the courage to say “it’s my turn now”, you are scared to be blamed for being “selfish” and “self centred” and “always just thinking about yourself”. I have had this happen to me before but after some time you learn that this is more a reflection of the person saying these things to you.

Lastly, keeping yourself small for others is not rewarding, even if you think it is. There comes a time in ones life when you have to realise that you are a priority too. It is not all about them, you are a human being as well. You can change this by beginning to recognise what causes you to even be in this position in the first place. What brought you to this? What things from your past is causing you to stand back for everyone? Why are you scared to change things to be more happy and be on the receiving end once in a while? Time to reflect and work on being the bigger person, the bigger person within yourself

~ Elize  Endhart ~

Inner calm · Mindfulness · Overwhelmed · Personal development

Elize About Life // Why do we lose our patience?

This morning on my way into work, I felt relaxed. It was a lovely bank holiday weekend. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and relaxed and ready to grab this week by the horns. Until I got to the train station….

…I didn’t have enough credit on my travelcard, my contactless card didn’t work, the machine to top up my travelcard had a debit card stuck in the card slot and the travelcard counter wasn’t able to help me. After running up and down frantically for 15 minutes, I lost my patience, told everyone around me how ridiculous it all is and chucked my bag to the side out of utter frustration. Finally my husband was able to help me with his card and I could get my travelcard topped up.

Now sitting on the train, I am wondering to myself why I started feeling so angry about it all.

It is because it messed with my morning routine.

It conflicted with the smooth flow of my day.

It made me and my husband miss our train.

It made me worried that I will be late for work.

I was annoyed with myself for not being prepared for my commute.

It basically messed with my “Zen”

This got me thinking as to how we as people sometimes judge someone for losing their patience. But the reality is that sometimes we don’t know or understand what it may be that is causing them to respond to situations like they do.

The thing that we have to work on is to understand our deeper being and what it is in a situation that ultimately makes us react a certain way. And do things differently next time.

It was never a reflection of the people I had to talk to this morning, but a reflection of myself and how I dealth with the situation. I had a choice to stay calm but I didn’t. 

This is where mindfulness comes in. Being mindful of our behaviour, thinking patterns, coping mechanisms is all pivotal with how we deal with out everyday lives. It is that consciousness on how we deal with things in life, how we treat ourselves and others around us. Mindfulness takes practice and concious effort, it doesn’t change overnight.

Now with my coffee in my hand and mental calmness, I will proceed to my day not chewing on this any longer.

Be mindful today of the things that messes with your mental flow and positive energy and challenge it to fall into a place of alignment with yourself.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

~ Elize ~